


I am old but still a child

by dendjustice



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brian Needs a Hug, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, First Hug, First Kiss, Fluff, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jealousy, Miscommunication, Multi, Polyamory, Sad Brian May, Sad with a Happy Ending, Shyness, Touch-Starved, then communication, very short mentions of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24221743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dendjustice/pseuds/dendjustice
Summary: While John, Roger and Freddie were snuggled up onto each other, on the right side of the bed, their fourth boyfriend would stay on the left side of the bed, all cold and lonely. They didn't want to make him uncomfortable, right, but they were actually making him feel very sad. He knew it was his own fault, he was the only one to blame for not sharing how he felt and what he wanted. They couldn't read his mind.Or5 times Brian feels touch-starved and 1 time he talks about it.+ One Fluff Chapter
Relationships: John Deacon/Brian May/Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor
Comments: 37
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from one of my favourite songs by Brian, [All Dead, All Dead](https://youtu.be/l_6AC2u0E4E)
> 
> (no offence to children or to adults, be the way you are it’s okay you know i just needed a title)

> 1

During his childhood, Brian hasn't been used to a lot of hugs, cuddles, or whatever that includes touch. As long as he could remember, his dad would pat him on the head when he got good grades, his mom would hold his hand when going outside not to loose each other. On his birthdays or Christmas, he got a hug and a kiss on the head from both of his parents. For a long time, he was content with this amount of touch, he never tried to imagine what it would be like to have his parents being big huggers. He would turn his head when, at the park, he saw other kids cuddling with their mothers on one of the benches. 

When he was a teenager, Brian didn't receive any more touch. In secondary school, boys who touched each other a bit too much were laughed at, and were called gay. Brian didn't want to be a part of this, he already dangerously questioned himself about his orientation, and didn't want, in any way, to experience gays' treatments. Girls could hug each other, nobody never saw any problem with that, and Brian felt sometimes jealous, as if being a girl would give his the assurance to hug his friends. 

Sometimes, yet, he would get hugged by one of his friends. Every time it happened, Brian would think about it all the following week, feeling somewhat giddy for getting one of these rare hugs. Then, he would cringe when he remembered the awkward reaction he always had. When arms wrapped around him, he would tense and keep his hands down, forgetting to wrap them back around his friend's back. Then the friend might think Brian didn't enjoy the hug, when he did. He just forgot to lift his hands, or he was afraid to. What if he did it wrong? Nobody never taught him.

At this time, Brian started to feel touch starvation. Couples began to form, girls sitting on their boyfriends lap during the breaks, playing with each other hair or sharing kisses. During the last years of schools, even some boys started to be tactile towards each other again, without being insulted. People minded their own businesses, and were actually glad to receive comfort from each other during the exams times. Despite this, Brian wasn't more touched. His hands still stayed stuck down when he was embraced and his few friends were quick to assume he just didn't find interest in touch. Brian did, but didn't know how to tell them about it, how to formulate it. What if they actually just didn't want to hug him? Brian knew this had little chance to be true, but little didn't mean none. We never know, was Brian's way of thinking.

Brian hadn't been in a relationship yet. He thought maybe having a partner would help him. He would learn to hug them and then could do the same to his friends. So, Brian didn't dare to change anything, he thought, "the day i'll have a partner, it will improve".

Well,

In 1965, he entered the Imperial College London, determined to become an astrophysicist. Between his classes, he made a few friends, including the well known Roger, John and Freddie. In Brian's eyes, the three of them were wonderful in their own way, and the man felt everyday more grateful for having met them.

Then, like every of his friends, they've been able to experience Brian's awkward face and unmoving arms whenever he would get hugged. They all silently assumed that Brian wasn't comfortable with them and quickly stopped giving any touch to him. Even Roger, the more clingy of the group, the one who would always have his head on someone's shoulder or always ruffled passing people's hair, agreed on not touching Brian, much to the latter disappointment.

Don't start to think, though, that despite the lack of physical contact with Brian, they didn't appreciate each other. The four grew closer every week, spending most of their free time together. 

It was about the end of the school year when they decided to rent a flat for the four of them. Then they could share the bills and maybe allow themselves bigger meals. 

Not long after their settling, they admitted their feelings to each other. Very luckily, they all felt the same way and happily agreed on starting a romantic relationship. It was John and Brian’s first. 

That's when everything got impossibly worse for Brian. Having not even one, but three partners didn't help anything. They were all used to their non-tactile friend and none of them had thought that having romantic feelings involved would suddenly make Brian change. 

They were right, it didn't. Brian was now just confronted to the sights of his boyfriends being affectionate to each other, every day, always excluding him but without any nasty intent.

> 2

Their living room had two couches, both were near the TV. The two were covered by the same dark red velvet. They had been sold to them for barely anything by an old couple who quickly needed to get rid of them. One was large and was placed straight in front of the telly, the other was smaller and was often called the armchair, since it couldn't contain more than one person. It was placed on the right of the first couch, obviously still close enough to the telly.

The way the couches were used had been created without many questions. The three, touchy-feely men snuggled up onto the big couch, taking all the available room, and Brian sat on the small couch, putting a smile on his face. He never complied aloud about the configuration. Yet, almost every night, when they watched a movie, he couldn't help but steal glances to the other couch. His three boyfriends were practically on each other, their limbs creating a real mess in the middle. They often argued to be in the middle, yet Freddie was the one who got the most the place. He was always happy to feel surrounded by his loved ones, an arm around each one of them. Brian wished he could cuddle too.

When it was cold enough, they brought blankets over themselves. In addition of the fact of being warm and comfortable, the blankets had allowed them to create an all new game. It consisted in grabbing the other's dicks and pretending it wasn't you. The game was always the cause of unexpected laughs or shrieks during important scenes of the movie, not that they seemed to really care. 

Brian watched them from his seat and always found it hard to swallow. He felt like he was missing something important and wished he could be a part of their game, even though he was asexual, it still seemed a lot of fun.

The only time Brian didn't regret his place on the small couch was when John came right in front of them (fortunately still under the blanket) after Roger pulled a bit too much on his genitals.

When the movie was finished, they would get up and give Brian oral "good night"s. He always wished them sweet dreams in response, sadly never daring to ask for a kiss. 

> 3

Their flat contained two bedrooms. One was the main bedroom, with the biggest second-hand bed they'd been able to find. The other, the guest room had a single bed. 

Brian had never enjoyed sex. His boyfriends knew and respected this. Yet, they all agreed that Freddie, John and Roger could obviously still have sex together. And the men didn't miss a chance to do it. When they used the principal bedroom for their funny business, Brian slept in the guest room. 

Soon, the guest room became Brian's room, as the latter moved more and more of his stuff into it.

No that he enjoyed being alone. Not at all. But the grinding noises of the cheap king-sized bed and the loud, ecstatic screams coming from the room next his made him sink more and more into his mattress. They were enjoying themselves. He knew he was always welcome to come join them once they were done, but what if he came in as they were starting a second round? He would just ruin the sexy atmosphere they were in. He didn't want to take the risk. Plus, he knew how nights spent in the same bed as them were anyway, he was not sure he wanted this.

When his boyfriends were not going to have sex, they would tell Brian so the man could directly come into the bed. Yet, to Brian, those nights weren't more pleasant than the ones spent sleeping in the guest room, they actually made him feel even worse. 

While John, Roger and Freddie were snuggled up onto each other, on the right side of the bed, their fourth boyfriend would stay on the left side of the bed, all cold and lonely. They didn't want to make him uncomfortable, right, but they were actually making him feel very sad. He knew it was his own fault, he was the only one to blame for not sharing how he felt and what he wanted. They couldn't read his mind. 

But Brian was still afraid of rejection. Perhaps they wouldn't like having Brian cuddled with them, perhaps he would make them feel awkward, it could be too late. 

He wished he wasn't that insecure, he really did. He wished he was able to tell the three people he loved the most how he felt. But it was too hard. So, during those nights, he would just stay on his side of the bed, sometimes turning around and watching his boyfriends when he was sure they were all asleep. He watched how relaxed their faces were, how wonderful they looked, and thought about how much he would love to be cuddling with them, having their comforting arms around him and being able to fell asleep like this, for the first time of his life.

> 4

He was lying in the blue single bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. No noise had escaped from the other bedroom for now half an hour. Brian sighed. They were probably asleep now, he knew none of them had ever had any problem to fall asleep. 

He noiselessly got out of the blankets, and grabbed his flask on his nightstand, then he had a proper excuse for being out of his room at this time of the night. 

He slowly opened his door and stepped to the bathroom where he conscientiously filled his flask with fresh water. He took a sip from it and wiped his mouth with his wrist. Then, he turned the lights off and slowly made his way back into the corridor. He stopped at the main bedroom. The door was slightly open, meaning he was always gladly welcome inside. He pushed it silently open and took a step in. His three boyfriends were, as usual, lovingly snuggled against each other. John had apparently got the place in the middle today. 

They were so glued to each other, Brian wondered why they needed a so large bed. Then he remembered they probably didn't only use the missionary and needed a bit of room.

They looked content. Brian watched guiltily. It was all his fault if he wasn't there sleeping with them. But he was terrified to do anything, terrified to do anything wrong.

He let out a final small sigh and closed the door, walking back to the guest room.

> 5

He sat down on the bed with a huff. He didn't feel very tired. He felt sick at the idea of falling asleep all alone again, when he had not only one or two, but three boyfriends he could be sharing warmth with. 

He looked up at his door, making sure it was well closed. Then, he did what he often did when he felt like that.

He pulled the sleeve of his left arm up and put his naked arm on his knee, in front of him. He closed his eyes. With a trembling sigh, he brought his right hand to his arm and made him fingers softly land on the bottom of his hand. Then, he began gently brushing his fingers down his forearm, from his wrist to the inside of his elbow. He held back his tears as he made his fingers brush up and down his skin. He tried to imagine it was one of his boyfriends caressing his arm, as they’d found enough room on the couch to make him fit in, as they were watching TV, surely tight against each other but with Brian. 

Despite tears starting to prickle at the corner if his eyes, Brian didn’t stop. He lifted his hand and pulled his sleeve back in place. With his eyes still closed, Brian brought his right hand to his left cheek. He gently cupped it hand made his face slightly raise. His longer fingers settled behind his ear as his thumb started stroking his cheek, wiping some of the tears away. 

He gulped down and made his brain pretend his face was being cradled to be kissed by one of his boyfriends who would then tell him that he loved him.

At that, Brian broke down and a he let out a soft sob. He had never been really kissed like that. He’d only received a couple formal pecks, and nothing else. He was somewhat relieved he wasn’t actually being kissed now because he was positive he was an horrible kisser, his training time being of zero minutes. He could still pretend, though.

Brian wiped his last tears away and managed to get himself under the blankets. He took the bolster at the edge of the bed and dragged it to his chest. His arms wrapped strongly around the barely human form as more tears blurred Brian’s barely existing vision. He wished they made pillows that wraps arms back around you. 

> +1

It was ten am when Roger noiselessly came into the Brian’s room. The blond man frowned when he saw the bolster lying next to Brian’s sleeping body. The bed was already small enough, why would he put a whole bolster in it? Roger shrugged and went to sit next to where Brian’s head was. He put his hand on his shoulder and spoke softly.

"Bri? Are you okay? It’s ten in the morning and you usually don’t sleep that much. If you want to go back to sleep after i checked on you it’s okay but i just wanted to be sure you weren’t dead."

Brian’s eyes fluttered open. The man hadn’t heard enough of Roger’s speech to understand it. "W-what?"

"Good morning." Roger grinned. "I was saying it’s ten am and since you usually don’t sleep that much... i was just checking on you, you know."

"Ah, right. Thank you" Brian murmured, still sleepily as he lifted himself on his elbows. When he noticed Roger’s hand on his shoulder, he stared at it for, seemingly, a bit too long. Roger quickly pulled it back with an apology.

"Sorry, i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just forgot-"

"It’s okay." Brian assured. "You’re not making me uncomfortable."

"Okay." Roger didn’t add very much. "Do you want me to open your shutters?"

"Um, yes please." Brian cleared his throat and completely sat up, watching his boyfriend opening dramatically the windows. 

He should talk about. They wouldn’t reject him, would they? No, they were too kind for this. They would pretend not to be bothered by Brian, even if they were. Brian sighed. He could do this. It won’t kill him. And if he makes a fool of himself he has enough money to buy a flight to an unknown country, far, far away from England. Before he could think any longer or start to cry, Brian spoke. His heart started to panic as his voice rang in the room.

"Roger?"

Roger was nearing the door. He craned his neck to Brian. "Yes?"

"C-can i-um... can i have a hug?" Brian asked with a miserable voice, barely looking up at Roger, hoping very much he was dreaming.

Roger was now fully oriented towards him. He was wearing a surprised look. "Uh... did i hear? A hug?"

Shame burnt Brian’s face, he was melting. "Y-yes."

Roger walked up to him and kneeled onto the edge of the bed. "Sure. But, i thought you didn’t like hugs?" he said with a questioning tone.

"No, i do love them." Brian dared to shyly lift his gaze to meet Roger’s saddened blue eyes. He swallowed with difficulty.

"B-but.. we never hug you.."

Brian’s eyes filled with tears in barely a second. "I know." he sobbed out.

Realisation stabbed Roger in the chest. He crawled to Brian’s pitiful looking form and gently wrapped his arms around him. He put his head on his shoulder. "I- Sorry, Brian, oh..."

"´S okay." Brian sighed, feeling Roger’s arms around him and smiling. 

"Why didn’t you tell us? We would have gladly had a fourth cuddle buddy, Bri!"

"I didn’t dare to." Brian almost laughed. He tried to hide it with a fake sounding cough. He felt so light, as well as a bit silly but he couldn’t care less. 

Roger chuckled sadly in his shoulder and squeezed harder. Brian felt completely relaxed. He looked down at Roger’s body sprawled onto him and lifted his hands to put them on the his back. He rubbed above his cotton t-shirt with a smile. He felt so giddy now. He did it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy i hope you liked it!! i thought about making it last longer or writing a second chapter about Brians evolution of you know becoming like touchy-feely (i discovered this word today and i love it) to the other members of his relationship and then maybe to even everybody else. I probably won’t because lmao know that i wrote this in an afternoon, out of determination to avoid my homework, when it would have usually taken me three months. so if someone (or even several someones) is/are interested in writing a sequel to this, please feel free to do it (lmao who are you nobody is going to write anything stop embarrassing yourself) and id me on it so i can read it!!
> 
> ANYWAY THANK YOU FOR READING kisses kisses ❤️


	2. Second part (fluff)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg hi i’m back with the second part more than ONE MONTH later it’s been so long already i didn’t even realize lmao 
> 
> it’s my first time writing a 100% fluffy fic please be kind 😔

"So you're saying that all this time... you liked physical contact?" Roger asked with a voice that still showed a bit of surprise. He was lying on the single bed that had kept some of Brian's warmth from the night, his head was resting on a pillow raised against the headboard as he talked. Brian hardly let go of him, he had a big part of his body on Roger's, his head was resting on the drummer's ribcage.

Brian answered a small "Yes, i did." before he tightened his arms around Roger. The latter sighed and started to gently caress Brian's hair with his hand. He felt Brian swallow heavily. 

"Is this okay?"

Brian hummed happily. "Yes. It feels really good." he murmured against Roger's chest before he lifted his head to meet his eyes. Roger smiled when he saw Brian's dilated pupils and shimmering eyes. 

"You look like a cat. Or like you're high."

Brian chuckled, "I do?". He put back his head comfortably on Roger's chest. Hands came back to playing with his dark curls, Brian shuddered. He felt calm, loved, warm. Someone was playing with his hair for what may be the first time of his life. He didn't expect it to feel this consoling.

Maybe he should touch Roger too. He was just being useless, lying here and taking the petting noiselessly, wasn't he? A new kind of guilt grew in his stomach, he should probably touch Roger back, but there was a small chance it wasn't a good idea. Before his thoughts could become too heavy for a so sweet moment, Brian decided on quitting overthinking for once. He reached Roger's clothed arm with his hand and started to slowly trail his fingers over the fabric, hoping it would seem enough next to Roger's pro head massage.

Roger smiled and grabbed his hand. "I see you're getting worried again Bri," _well done_ "you don't have to give me anything back, you know? Hugs are free in here." He brought Brian's hand to his lips and kissed the visible knuckles one by one. Brian smiled back warmly at him.

"Okay, thank you." he said hoarsely, feeling a bit shy. He wouldn't argue though, having his hair caressed was really nice. They stayed still for a while, surrounded by a comfortable silence and their familiar warmths. Brian was starting to get drowsy.

The next time he opened his eyes, Roger was gently shaking his hand. "Brimi?" was murmured. "Are you sleeping?" The nickname made a wave of warmth spread in Brian's chest, this was the first thing he suddenly felt after waking up. He hummed in response and made his way to a higher spot on the bed, to have his head the same level as Roger's.

"I don't know. Maybe.." he said weakly, not actually knowing if he was sleeping or just having his eyes very closed. When he saw Roger's lips had parted, he continued, "But it's okay." and he couldn't help the fond feeling that made him smile gratefully at his boyfriend. "Thank you."

Roger gently put his hand on his cheek, his longer fingers landing on Brian's neck and touching the thin skin there. "Thank you for what?" he locked his large blue eyes with Brian hazel ones. The latter was relieved to find it didn't feel uncomfortable, he looked back straight onto Roger's big eyes. 

"I don't know; for what you did, i guess..." 

"I didn't do anything amazing," he assured as he kept his eyes fixed to Brian's. "and i should've done it earlier, offering you contact, i'm sorry. Why didn't you tell us?" he watched Brian think of an answer and added "If you don't mind me asking".

Brian shifted a bit and cleared his throat. "No, i don't." he said in a hoarse voice. "Why i didn't say anything before... i couldn't think of an exact answer for this." he began, trying to formulate his thoughts into correct english sentences. "I think i was scared, yes..." he felt his eyes gently started to sting, but didn't let it distract him. "Mostly scared and insecure. I was scared to ask for touch, i was afraid not to know how to react if i received some. I had already grown the reputation of someone who didn't like to be touched and i didn't dare do anything to change it." Brian confessed, praying for his explanations to make sense to Roger. 

"Can i remove your tears?" Roger asked softly when he saw his boyfriend had started to cry. 

"Yes." Brian nodded. With the tip of his thumb, Roger then wiped away Brian's tears and caught the new ones the second they came out of his eyes. 

"I see. It's okay now, hm?." Roger came closer to Brian and tugged the duvet over both their bodies. He wrapped his arms securely around Brian and held him close. "I won't... we won't deprive you of touch ever again. Of course, unless you want us to." He smiled, and buried his face into Brian's neck, nuzzling under the curls and humming peacefully. 

"Brimi?"

"Hmm?"

"Are kisses okay?"

Brian smiled fondly to Roger. "Yes. But, umh... if you mean real kisses with, you know, tongues and all... I might be a really lame kisser then. I have to warn you."

Roger pulled his face off Brian's neck. "What? No, why would you be— oh." his eyes met Brian's. Instead of playing the apologetic card again, Roger tried with the naughty one. He grinned. "Can i be your first filthy kiss?" 

Brian had to muffle his laugh with his fist against his mouth. "It's my morning breath that's filthy right now." he said with a playful tone. "I'm not sure you'd want to taste it."

"I don't care. I used to, but not anymore. The other two kind of helped me with that." Roger chuckled. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. And if we don't do it now, then Freddie will come, and he'll be your first kiss." Roger explained. He looked up at Brian and giggled.

"Well, okay then. Can you... can you like take the lead?" Brian asked, embarrassed. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Really, i don't trust my kissing skills and i'm afraid i'll screw it up..." 

"Yes i can." Roger breathed. "You don't have to worry. You will learn quickly if you train well with me." He met Brian's gaze again, waiting for the latter to nod. Brian did and Roger smiled before leaning in. "C'mere."

Brian's face was cradled delicately between Roger's fingers, Roger smiled when he saw Brian's eyes opened a bit too wide. He stroked the top of Brian's cheek with his thumb, trying to soothe him. But Brian's brain was fussing, _'how do you do it?'_ , he doubtfully puckered his lips, swallowing his pride down. Roger didn't give him more time to worry as he gently brushed his lips against the awaiting ones. A shiver ran down Brian's body when he felt Roger's mouth caress him. He couldn't help though but keep his eyes wide open, he cringed when he saw Roger's eyelids were well closed in front of him. All of sudden, he felt fingertips under his eyebrows, slowly trailing down and putting a light pressure on his eyelids, forcing them to shut. 

"Close you eyes." Roger murmured, way to close to Brian's mouth.

Nonetheless, Brian did so, and as soon as his vision went black, he felt Roger's lips pressed more firmly against his and started to gently move them. Brian thoughtlessly reached for Roger's shoulder and put his hand on it. He was being kissed so softly. He shuddered and opened his mouth in a way he thought was useful. He did right, because Roger didn't wait more before he shyly slid the tip of his tongue inside. Brian felt himself relax and let Roger's tongue make his way above his. Brian almost laughed as he found out his tongue was ticklish, he focused on not huffing right into Roger's face and instead gently raised his tongue against Roger's. 

Roger hummed approvingly and started yo deepen the kiss. His lips moved faster and his tongue rolled more eagerly with Brian's. Embarrassing wet noises began to fill the room.

Brian found himself having a greater time than he thought he would. He enjoyed the feeling of warmth and softness on his mouth and started to shyly answer the kiss as well, smacking his lips against Roger's ones. 

His very first kiss lasted some more seconds before he felt his head become heavy at the lack of oxygen. He forced himself to kiss back a few more seconds before he couldn't make it and pushed Roger away to take a huge gasp of air. 

Roger, who had first thought Brian pushed him away for more serious reasons, couldn't help but chuckle. "I should've mentioned the importance of breathing through your nose a bit before. Sorry." he said in a very non-apologetic way.

Once Brian fully caught his breath back, he tightened his grip around Roger's shoulder tenderly. "So, thank you." he said playfully, before Roger shook his head and pulled his body to Brian's, pressing his face in the space between his neck and his shoulder. He could hear Brian's quivering breath and nuzzled against his neck as a second attempt to soothe him. 

"How was it?" he asked softly, holding Brian tightly in his arms too.

"That was nice." Brian grinned. "It felt very nice. But i think i still prefer cuddling, though. You see, cuddling feels really, really good." He felt giddy talking about it.

"Oh. I agree. I prefer hugs too honestly. Even more than sex...but don't tell John." Roger said with a grin.

"I won't." 

Brian thought he was going to fall back asleep, but he instead had his stomach complaining about its long time emptiness. He felt Roger shift under him.

"You hungry?" his voice came out muffled.

"I think i am. You guys did already eat?"

Roger put his head back on the pillow with a huff. "Yeah." he cleared his throat. "But we left the breakfast out for you. And Freddie made you a cuppa but i think it's cold now."

"Oh" Brian smiled. "It's nice of him. Are you coming?" Brian rolled on his back and raised his arms in the air to give them a stretch as he asked the question.

Roger glanced at him and took the opportunity to slip his head under his arm. "Yes."

Brian wrapped Roger in a hug. "Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much Roger. What you did, i think it helped me a lot."

Roger let out a laugh, trapped in the awkward embrace where his chin was pressed on Brian's torso. "No, it's nothing, it should be normal, you can't thank me for something that's normal. I should praise you, for being brave and talking about your issues Bri. I'm proud of you, you know?"

"Thank you..." Brian's voice didn't sound as steady as he wanted it to. When he saw Roger frowning slightly, he added quickly "for the praise, i mean."

"Yeah." Roger didn't seem one hundred percent convinced, but didn't verbalise it. "So, shall we go?" he asked instead.

"Yes, yes." Brian got out of thr small bed and put on a pair of grey sweet pants already lying on a chair nearby. 

"Take a jumper too. It's cold outside of your room."

Brian nodded, silently cringing at the words 'your room'. He hoped he could sleep in the same bed as his boyfriends more often now. 

When Roger and Brian entered the living room, they found Freddie and John on the main couch, with two magazines keeping them busy. John was the first one to lift his eyes from his soft porn book and mouthed a 'hello' at his two boyfriends. Freddie, who had been studying the state in which Brian was in for a few seconds; glowing skin, flushed cheeks and reddened eyes, stood up and gasped.

"Did you guys have sex?" 

Brian's eyes, that were rather looking down to the floor since he entered the room, widened. "What?"

"Oh you heard me." Freddie replied immediately.

Brian tsked. "No. We didn't. Why would you ask that?" 

"Because Roger went to wake you up like... more an hour and half ago!" Freddie exclaimed and John nodded next to him. "And i don't know what you could have done for so long in the small bedroom. Did you fall asleep or something?" Freddie snickered.

Noticing Brian's helplessness in front of Freddie's questions, Roger decided to chime in. "No, we talked. It was nice." he defended, in the most innocent way. 

Freddie sat back on the cushions and wrapped an arm around John who smiled at the gesture. "Mmh. Talked about what?"

Roger almost scoffed when he heard Brian let out a small "nothing". _It wasn't that big of a deal now, was it?_

John leaned forward. "Are you sure?" he asked softly. Brian started to nod hesitantly, before his movement turned into shaking his head. "Do you want to talk to us about it?"

He saw Brian took a big breath in. "Dunno. I want to, but, you see.. i'm a bit scared..."

John, who was himself very used to that feeling, tried to reassure Brian in a way he knew he himself would have appreciated. His voice came out in a careful yet comforting tone. "You don't have to be afraid of us, you're safe here. We would never hurt you on purpose, no matter what you have to say, right? Freddie?" John turned to Freddie who nodded eagerly and breathed a "yeah". John went on. "You can talk about it if you want to, or if you think it's important. You dont have to, though. No pressure on that, okay love?"

Brian nodded sheepishly. He felt his eyes become heavy with tears. "It's nothing really. It's gonna sound stupid after all that." he sniffed. At the sight if Brian's doubtful and sad eyes, Roger couldn't help but lean in and wrap his arms around his boyfriend. 

"It's not nothing. If it makes you feel bad it's not nothing Brian. It's important for us, beautiful."

Freddie and John both frowned at the same time. Yet, John what the first one to speak. "It's a bit off-topic, but Brian takes hugs now?" 

"Oops." 

Brian's eyes were big and panicked and were searching for help by looking down pleadingly at Roger. What did he say now? He hesitated over asking Roger to talk for him, knowing his boyfriend would do it without complaint. He lowered his eyes to the floor, so much that none of his boyfriends were in his field of vision anymore. _He could do it. They are just Freddie and John. They won't leave him after that. They say they love him. There are high chances he's going to be hugged after his confession._

"Um— yes. Don't get mad, i... i know i made you believe i didn't like hugs, or any form of physical contact. But i actually do, very much. And i kind of struggled with all this, y'know, that's why i didn't talk about it for years. And earlier this morning i managed to talk to Roger, Roger because he was the one who came in my room, not because i have preferences or anything— um, and... that's it."

Freddie's mouth was open. "Oh. Brian." He launched himself towards Brian who was looking at him with big round eyes. "All this time you wanted hugs and you never got any?" and stopped in front of him to ask him permission "Can i?" Brian nodded and the next second he was engulfed in an warm embrace, overwhelmed by Freddie's fragrance. "Come here gorgeous." Brian closed his eyes and pulled Freddie closer to himself, clutching the fabric of his shirt and enjoying the feeling. He felt someone on his side, gently brushing his hair back.

"Are kisses okay too?" he then immediately recognized John's softly spoking voice. He opened his eyes and nodded shyly at him, his mouth squeezed in a thin line, stopping embarrassing sobs from escaping from it. "Good." John smiled and leaned it to put an arm behind Brian's neck and to kiss his temple. He pulled back to see his reaction and leaned in again when he was sure he didn't see any sign of discomfort coming from Brian, who had closed his eyes again. Soon, John's lips were peppering kisses over Brian cheeks, eyes and neck, making the man above him sniffing again and quietly giggling. 

"We love hugging you." Freddie whispered. "And we kind of have to repay you now, if you don't mind, mmh? What d'you say?"

"Yes please. I don't mind." Brian chuckled as a shy smile tugged on his lips. Roger, who had been watching them for too long in his opinion, came and wrapped his arms around Brian by behind. 

He hummed contently. "Let's move to the bed, shall we?" he offered, noticing how Brian started to flinch under the weight of his three boyfriends.

"What?" Freddie lifted his head from Brian's chest. He frowned, feeling a bit lost, he didn't want to bring inappropriate subjects up, especially now. "Wait, um..Brian, you still don't have sex now, do you? Sorry for the question, i just prefer not to let misunderstandings build between us.. and all.

"I don't." Brian assured with a smile. "It's okay."

"Okay so, nothing filthy then," Freddie barely finished his sentence before he grasped Brian behind his shoulder, as an attempt to carry him. 

"Oh! Freddie what are you doin—"

Freddie was fortunately soon helped by John, who took Brian's ankles in his hands to lift the lower part of his body. 

"Uh."

Despite Brian's butt almost touching the floor, Freddie and John carefully made their way to the bedroom, carrying Brian the best they could.

"I can walk!" Brian said playfully, although he loved the attention his boyfriends were giving him.

Roger ran after them and helped by putting his arms under Brian's lower back, lifting his bum area almost as the sale level of his head and feet.

"Brian and me have been filthy earlier, Freddie." Roger said as if it was nothing, focusing on not dropping the man they were poorly carrying. "I have been his first kiss." Brian's face under him flushed.

"You— you didn't!" Freddie snapped. "Brian?" he looked down at his boyfriend with pleading eyes, his face perfectly above Brian's. "He's lying, isn't he?"

"No, he's right." Brian who couldn't help his amusement, smiled at Freddie's offended face.

They managed to make Brian's body pass the doorframe before they dropped him onto the large bed. His three boyfriends climbed next to him and made themselves comfortable between the pillows. Both Roger and John were on Brian's left, John with his head under his arm and Roger a bit higher, close to Brian's face. Freddie was on the other side, a good part of his body splayed on Brian's. He was busy pressing wet kisses to the cheek he had access to.

Brian relaxed and tightened his arms around them. It was his first actual time in the middle of the bed. And he wasn't disappointed, he felt himself growing calmer, almost sleepy again. The silence was peaceful. Roger's hand had found its place in his hair, stroking lightly, as his nose kept brushing against his face. "How does all this feel Bri?" he murmured. Brian was already feeling very dozing, but that didn't stop him from tearing up at the tenderness he was receiving so suddenly.

"It's so nice." his voice was quiet. "Can we stay like this for a bit please?" he asked shyly, his eyes glimmering as he looked at his boyfriends.

"Yes." Freddie answered him. "Can i wipe your tears?"

"Um. Yes."

Then, Brian felt fingers on his cheeks, gently brushing the tears away, before a pair of lips pressed against his cheek. "You look beautiful Brian."

"What? Me?" Brian turned his head to Freddie and smiled awkwardly. "Well, thank you..., you too."

"Did i earn my kiss?"

"Please."

It was barely seven p.m. when they heard Brian's keys in the font door's lock.

Freddie's eyes widened. He turned back in a flash to see Brian standing in the doorway. 

"Hello?" Brian said on a doubtful tone, noticing the unusual silence filling the flat, despite the lights being turned on. He had been spending the weekend at his parents' house, like he often did when he could. He never came back at this time though.

"Weren't you supposed to be back a bit later?" Freddie asked, a hand on his hip.

"I was, but i was actually a bit early and i managed to catch the bus before the one i usually take. Why? Is there something wrong?" Freddie saw worry growing, at a very concerning speed, on Brian's face, as the latter made his way down the hall, to the living room.

"Well," Freddie started his unprepared speech before it was too late. "we didn't completely put it together yet," he gestured to Roger and John, both trying to read over the instructions. "but here is—"

"A new couch?" Brian sounded confused.

"You didn't let me finish. But yes."

Brian wasn't immediately hit by realisation. He understood when he noticed that the new light blue couch (or rather the start of the couch) was a bit longer than the last one they had.

"Oh." he let his luggage fall on the floor as he walked over to his boyfriends, his fingers nervously fidgeting together. "Is it for..."

"It's big enough for the four of us." Roger chimed in proudly as he stood up. "There would even be enough room for a small fifth person." he was about to go on with his joke when he noticed Brian looked like he was about to cry.

"Thank you.. Did it cost you a lot?" his voice was quivering ridiculously.

Freddie walked up to him and wrapped him in a hug. "No, dear, no. And you don't have to worry about that anyway." he cooed. "How are you parents doing?"

"They are— they are fine." Brian sobbed on his last word, his shoulder shaking over Freddie's arms. The latter soothed him with a hand on his back, as he murmured softly in his ear. Soon, his two other boyfriends had as well their arms securely around him. "Thank you." he said once again, his heart beating wildly in his chest. 

"Yes, you'll thank us once the couch is fully built up." he heard Roger say on his left side. "Can you help us?"

That night, they've been able to sit all together on the same couch, snuggled up against each other, Brian and John happily in the middle. 

Brian didn't remember the name of the movie they were watching. He actually didn't care a lot. All he was doing was focus on the all new feeling (he even wondered if his cock was going to be tugged on sometime). Since he spoke to Roger, and then the three of them, two weeks ago, he'd discovered so many new sensations, including, after the well known cuddling and kissing during bedtime, hugs or light kisses whenever in the day, when they felt like it or when they needed comfort, holding hands as soon as he saw a free hand, taking showers together and simply taking care of each other, massaging backs or other parts of the body, no matter if they were sore or not... The thing he thought he preferred the most was when someone took some time to play with his hair, caress it and making him want to fall asleep right on the spot.

Brian let his butt slide a bit forward on the cushions to be short enough and put his head on John's shoulder. John turned his head to him and smiled. He leaned in and gave Brian's cheek a loud wet kiss whose noise made Freddie groan. Brian exchanged a look with him before putting his head comfortably on John's shoulder. His boyfriend's hand slowly made his way on his growing curly hair and Brian sighed happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is that a shame that i’ve never french kissed anybody and that i had to look up for a tutorial on google for this and that i may have written a very unrealistic kiss? i don’t know and i don’t think i’ll ever do (unless someone comes and kiss me right now 😗 (jk)) 
> 
> so i hope you liked this nonetheless, if you did please leave kudos, they make me feel famous and loved, thank you!!


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